Erin blogs something nerdy, gives self wedgie.

Body Care and Grooming (short)

[The title Body Care and Grooming appears on the screen.]

Joel: Is this an infomercial? Where's Cher?

Servo [as TV announcer]: Body Care! And Grooming! They're cops...

---

[The short opens on a shot of several college-age couples looking lovey-dovey all across campus.]

Narrator: Ah, spring!

Crow [as Narrator]: Filthy, shameful spring!

. . .

Joel: You know, people were whiter back then.

Narrator: When a young man's fancy lightly turns to...

Crow: Underpants.

Narrator: ...Love.

Crow: Oh.

---

[Shot of slovenly girl.]

Narrator: Look at that hair!

Crow: [defensively] I like her hair!

Narrator: And that blouse!

Crow: [lasciviously] I'm looking, I'm looking!

...

[Shot of young man looking disgusted by slovenly girl's appearance.]

Narrator: Sorry, Miss! We're trying to a film about proper appearance, and, well, you're not exactly the kind to make this guy behave like a guy!

Joel: [bitterly] You know, make him want to grope you and paw at you!

...

[The slovenly girl is now immaculately dressed and groomed. The camera starts at her head and slowly pans down.]

Narrator: Look at that hair... that skin... that mouth...

Servo [as Narrator]: Those... n-nose.

...

Servo: We simply took your libido and starched and pressed it!

[formerly slovenly girl walks off, quickly followed by young man]

Joel: [as young man] Hey, I couldn't help but notice how much you look like everybody else!

---

[The camera focuses on a woman with a good appearance. Shortly after, it focuses on a woman looking discomforted and fidgeting around.]

Narrator: Clothes are important. Besides fitting well and looking well, the clothes should be appropriate for the occasion. Wearing inappropriate clothes, like these shoes—

Servo [as the Narrator]: Is immoral.

Narrator: —is a sure way to make yourself uncomfortable... and conspicuous.

Crow: Expressing individualism is just plain wrong.

---

Narrator: Besides accumulating sweat, the skin is also constantly picking up dirt, dust, grit, and other foreign particles.

Crow: Skin sucks.

---

Narrator: One of these is cleansing cream.

Servo [as Narrator]: One of these is nitric acid . Choose wisely.

---

[The short closes with the cleaned-up teens going to bed.]

Narrator: And so... the end of a perfect day.

Joel [as Narrator]: An entire day spent grooming.

. . .

Narrator: And you...

Joel [as Narrator]: Jezebel!

Narrator: ...by following these simple rules of body care and grooming, you too will [have] that quality of appearance, that feeling of well-being, so important to make your dreams of happiness come true.

Crow [as Narrator]: And remember — when you touch yourself, the saints cry. Goodnight.