Erin blogs something nerdy, gives self wedgie.

Body Care and Grooming (short)

[The title Body Care and Grooming appears on the screen.]

Joel: Is this an infomercial? Where's Cher?

Servo [as TV announcer]: Body Care! And Grooming! They're cops...

---

[The short opens on a shot of several college-age couples looking lovey-dovey all across campus.]

Narrator: Ah, spring!

Crow [as Narrator]: Filthy, shameful spring!

. . .

Joel: You know, people were whiter back then.

Narrator: When a young man's fancy lightly turns to...

Crow: Underpants.

Narrator: ...Love.

Crow: Oh.

---

[Shot of slovenly girl.]

Narrator: Look at that hair!

Crow: [defensively] I like her hair!

Narrator: And that blouse!

Crow: [lasciviously] I'm looking, I'm looking!

...

[Shot of young man looking disgusted by slovenly girl's appearance.]

Narrator: Sorry, Miss! We're trying to a film about proper appearance, and, well, you're not exactly the kind to make this guy behave like a guy!

Joel: [bitterly] You know, make him want to grope you and paw at you!

...

[The slovenly girl is now immaculately dressed and groomed. The camera starts at her head and slowly pans down.]

Narrator: Look at that hair... that skin... that mouth...

Servo [as Narrator]: Those... n-nose.

...

Servo: We simply took your libido and starched and pressed it!

[formerly slovenly girl walks off, quickly followed by young man]

Joel: [as young man] Hey, I couldn't help but notice how much you look like everybody else!

---

[The camera focuses on a woman with a good appearance. Shortly after, it focuses on a woman looking discomforted and fidgeting around.]

Narrator: Clothes are important. Besides fitting well and looking well, the clothes should be appropriate for the occasion. Wearing inappropriate clothes, like these shoes—

Servo [as the Narrator]: Is immoral.

Narrator: —is a sure way to make yourself uncomfortable... and conspicuous.

Crow: Expressing individualism is just plain wrong.

---

Narrator: Besides accumulating sweat, the skin is also constantly picking up dirt, dust, grit, and other foreign particles.

Crow: Skin sucks.

---

Narrator: One of these is cleansing cream.

Servo [as Narrator]: One of these is nitric acid . Choose wisely.

---

[The short closes with the cleaned-up teens going to bed.]

Narrator: And so... the end of a perfect day.

Joel [as Narrator]: An entire day spent grooming.

. . .

Narrator: And you...

Joel [as Narrator]: Jezebel!

Narrator: ...by following these simple rules of body care and grooming, you too will [have] that quality of appearance, that feeling of well-being, so important to make your dreams of happiness come true.

Crow [as Narrator]: And remember — when you touch yourself, the saints cry. Goodnight.

Watch out for snakes.

Kinda getting the urge to do a post about mutton chops. I don't think it's quite time yet. I still need to collect a few more choice pictures of the glorious facial hair. I do think it is about time for a handlebar mustache though.

Ooh! Even better! A handlebar/mutton chop combo. A Hutton, if you will.


Behold.

Ahhh. Sweet sassafras that's some good bloggin'.

Here's to future cooperation between our organizations!

I have never traveled outside of the U.S. but plan to once I figure out a safe way to be unconscious the entire plane ride. In the meantime I will have to brush up on my foreign languages (as if I know them already) and learn some helpful phrases that I just know I will come across.

If I ever find myself in Russia fumbling for the correct way to tell my dance partner that I can't do the cha cha I'll just reach for Berlitz Russian for Travellers.

I can't do the cha-cha.
Ja ne umeju tantsevatj cha-cha-cha.

I want a specimen of your urine.
Ja vozjmu u vas mochu na analiz.

I'd like to buy a pair of binoculars.
Ja khotel by kupitj binoklj.

I would like some game or fowl.
Ja by vzjal dichi ili ptitsy.

Here's to future cooperation between our organizations!
Za nashe budushchee sotrudnichestvo!

I'd like to go to a Komsomol party.
Ja khotel by pojti na komsomoljskij vecher.

For some more handy phrases in other languages: http://www.zompist.com/thought.html

LOL

Children's books that didn't make it.

This list has been bouncing around the internet for awhile now so I can't credit the original source. That's all right because I'm fairly certain only 5 or so people read this blog.

1 You Are Different and That's Bad
2 The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3 Dad's New Wife Robert
4 Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share
5 Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6 The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking.
7 Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
8 All Cats Go to Hell
9 The Little Sissy Who Snitched
10 Some Puppies Can Fly
11 That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
12 Grandpa Gets a Casket
13 The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
14 Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
15 The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
16 Strangers Have the Best Candy
17 Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
18 You Were an Accident
19 Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
20 Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
21 The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
22 Your Nightmares Are Real
23 Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
24 Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
25 Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
26 Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
27 Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

Bonus:

The Onion

Post of EPIC proportions

Being without a car forces me to take on mundane tasks that I normally have no interest in doing. Today I took a box out of my side of the closet and threw out most of it's contents, wrapped a few presents and cleaned out an old purse to use again. While cleaning out the purse I came across a piece of notebook paper from my first day of Intro to Writing (Writing Zero). We had to free write for 20 minutes. Anything that came to mind we had to write it down. I was amused with what I had come up with because I could remember how painfully silent the room was while everyone was scribbling away in their notebooks. The class started with 20 some odd people and dwindled down to about 9 at the end of the term. We're now at around 6 going into Writing 2. It's a lot like Survivor.

Now, for your reading pleasure (with fun pictures to spice things up) my free writing.

_______________________________________

Why didn't I bring paper to a writing class? Did I think there would be scraps lying around on the floor for me to pluck up for my convenience?
I feel this way about a lot of aspects of my life. Will there be something available for me at every turn? Well, in this case yes. The guy to my right was nice enough to give me some paper. But that is simply not the point. I'm not quite sure what the point is, but I'm sure there is a moral here somewhere.

________________________________________

Maybe I'm just hungry.


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My brain isn't working as well as it should be this morning. People in the 1800's considered a 10 hour nights sleep the norm. They also often contracted polio and died at 37. I'm willing to take that risk for a few extra hours on occasion.
Leonardo DaVinci slept for nearly half his life and look at him. At least that's what Wikipedia tells me. Why would the internet lie?

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The skyline looks beautiful from where I'm sitting. Actually I take that back it's mostly just gray.


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This is the longest 20 minutes of my life.

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The instructor was just talking about SNL earlier and why most of their sketches don't work. Most of them are some writer's panic attack to get something out there and end up 12 minutes too long.

I feel that less is definitely more. That's why that stupid Geico caveman sitcom didn't work. Nobody wants to see that shit more than 30 seconds at a time.


Nobody.

Elf children

This is a fun little program from Office Max called Elf Yourself. I used a picture of Alayna and Gracie from a play date we had about a month or so ago.

Send your own ElfYourself eCards