Women aren't funny.

O.K. I'm sorry, that title is misleading. I should have said women from ages 16-22 aren't funny. Now before any young ladies who may be reading this throws a high heeled stilletto at me shouting "I am hilarious!", allow me to explain.

When you are a child, everything is funny. I mean, everything. Do you remember when the teacher called on Steven and accidentally called him Ryan? Yeah. Comedy gold. Then when you reach about 13 your humor slides a bit down the drain. Mom is embarrassing, your friends think your wardrobe is stupid, boys are capturing your attention. That kind of stuff. Now all of sudden everything is a tragedy. Life is serious, you guys. It's time to grow up and stop finding farts hysterical. You may still laugh at things with your friends, of course. Who wouldn't? You're allowed to, but only in the privacy of one's bedroom and ONLY to make fun of another girl.

Skip to 16 years old and now things are really getting serious. You're learning to drive. You're kissing boys (hopefully that is all you're doing, I am a mother now dammit.) Life is interesting but yet still very serious. You're only allowed to watch Monty Python at home, without ANY one else finding out. Lest you be called a nerd.

18-22 you are still gaining those much needed brain wrinkles. Oh, you may think you know everything but you are sorely mistaken. Boys are slowly (very slowly) becoming men and girlfriends are getting bitchier. What you thought you had figured out at 16 is now a far cry from you most certainly know about life at 19. You're allowed to regain some of that childlike humor but only on account that it doesn't offend or detract from your likeabilty to the opposite sex. A good sense of humor is like a bottle of red wine. Not legally yours yet.

I firmly believe that my full personality didn't actually surface until I was about 25. It's a shame that women are meant to feel like they need to hide who they really are in order to be viewed as attractive or worthy. If I can pass anything down to my daughters it's this: "Dare to not give a shit."

So, if any of that made any ounce of sense...then quite frankly I'm amazed.

Hello, My name is Erin. I'm 32 years old, married mother of two girls and we all think farts are just the tops.

Attention ladies: The skin of your dreams

Are you tired of your skin color? 

Have you grown weary of having to face yet another day as a young, rich, white woman?

Then it's time to discover the latest horrible idea to sweep the nation!
 Chameleonization

Europeans have known this fashion secret for years and have never once tried it. "Scientists" believe it is an "irreversible" and "extraordinarily harmful" procedure and "should never be attempted, ever."

Well, sounds to us like these bozos have never heard of Hollywood! 

As far back as the late 1990's, women have been trying to find the best way to alienate themselves from so -called "normal people". Who needs those old cheekbones anyway when you can get them replaced over and over again. Chameleonization allows you to change your skin color to suit your mood*. It's like living inside a rainbow!

*Please only anticipate one mood as only one color will be used. 

Chameleonization is an often painless procedure that can be done by any trusted physician with all of your credit card information on file. The physician (or whoever) starts by giving you a mild sedative while stroking your hair gently and softly singing 80's pop hits. From there, just sit back, relax, and don't worry about the rest!

Read what these young, hip starlets had to say about the remarkable new fad that is sure to turn heads.

"This is certainly something I have done in my life.." says the girl from that one party scene in Gossip Girl. 

"I've never felt so many emotions after undergoing Chameleonization...Happiness isn't the word I'm looking for.." - Angelina Jolie (lookalike)

"What is this? Get the hell out of my house!" - Lady Gaga

Side effects may include:

Smugness

Spontaneous Jazz Hands

Excessive Swearing

Marxism

Extreme weight loss and gain (often within the same 24 hour period)

Inability to remain seated

and

Bear attacks

So, come on! What are you waiting for? Call now! Doooooo it.

Chameleonization - Because Why the Shit Not?

Merry Christmas!

Snowman Greetings Christmas

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View the entire collection of cards.

Lack of true inspiration results in surveys.

This little time waster was pretty fun to do. I laughed out loud at a few of the selections. I'm sure you will know what I'm referring to in a moment. I swear on a stack of T.V. Guides that I did nothing to help these answers along. Not only were some of the songs dead-on but now you will truly realize the eclectic nature of our music collection. I couldn't really tell you why Sly & The Family Stone appears twice. I wasn't even aware of it's existence until now.

So, here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc.).
2. Put it on shuffle.
3. Press play.
4. For every question, type the song that's playing.
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button.
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool...because none of us are

Waking Up: Kryptonite- 3 Doors Down
   
First Day At School: Futuresex/Lovesound - Justin Timberlake
   
Falling In Love: I Hate to Love Her - Sly & the Family Stone
   
Fight Song: Zeroes and Ones - Aphex Twin Reconstruction #2
   
Breaking Up: Bikini Break - The Polish Ambassador
   
Prom: Blow Wind Blow - Eric Clapton
   
Life: Wide Awake On The Voyage Home - Liam Finn
   
Mental Breakdown: Let Me Have It All - Sly & The Family Stone
   
Driving: This Is the End - Buddy Guy

Flashback: Panama - Van Halen
   
Wedding: Incident At Gate 7 - Thievery Corporation

Losing your virginity: Cannibal - VAST

Birth Of Child: Dirty Hole - VAST

Final Battle: All The Little Ladies - Strawbs

Death Scene: Karate - Tenacious D

Funeral Song: Death Certificate - Carcass

End Credits: Hot Damn - The Neptunes

Lunch for lazy people.

I had made a promise to myself when I signed up for facebook/twitter/blogger..etc that I would NOT be one of those people who blogged about what they ate for lunch. I'm about to break that promise. Seriously, what I ate was just that good.

In my hands were an avocado and a handful of Wheat Thins when I thought, "Could this be lunch?".

The answer to myself was "Yes. Yes it could."

Quick Guacamole and Sun Dried Tomato and Basil Wheat Thins

Scoop out an avocado and mash it with a fork. If you're a spoon person then go for that. I'm not here to judge. Then squirt a little lemon juice and add a dash of garlic powder. Stir deliciously.

I found that the seasoned crackers worked well with a lighter flavored guacamole. Although I do have to say that I'm pretty sure a chimpanzee snuck into the Nabisco factory and seasoned this batch. Or maybe they hired a monkey for a more diverse environment. Again, I'm not here to judge. Regardless of assumed ape-ery, this was a yummy and easy snack that I felt the need to share.

shown here with Pepsi and straw for extra fanciness.

ME

A   If you were an ANIMAL, what would you be? Aren't we all animals? I suppose if I had to choose I would be a giraffe. No reason.


B   BOOKS: What's on your reading list? I am currently re-reading Breakfast of Champions by Kurt Vonnegut and plan to tackle Jane Eyre at some point. David Sedaris is always on the list and I have a book of his in my purse at all times. Just in case.


C   COMPULSIVE about anything? Checking the doors at night to make sure they are locked. Sometimes I will have to actually touch the lock to convince myself. On particularly bad nights I will get up out of bed after having the lights already turned off to check again. I wish I could tell you where in the world this compulsion came from.


D   DREAMS - Do you ... dream in color? remember your dreams? keep a dream journal? I do dream in color and tend to have elaborate stories go through my head. I don't keep a journal because if I did they would all just read like this: 
Dreamt I was in high school again. I think. Maybe not. I can't remember.


E   EATING - what's your usual snack? Is coffee a snack?


F   A Few of your FAVORITE Things. Being on a boat, Wine, My car, Making my husband crack up. 


G   GIGGLES! What (or who) makes you laugh? Do you have a good sense of humor?  Lots of things make me laugh. In fact, I am afraid I annoy people with how much I laugh. Tim and the kids make me laugh the most as does Louis C.K. Just, in a different way.


H   major HOT Button: Abortion. I have many thoughts on that issue and if you still want to remain my friend, don't talk to me about it weeks after I gave birth to my first child. Yes, that did happen. I can speak rationally about it now that I am not clouded with postpartum hormones.


I   I am ______________still hungry.


K   Also KNOWN As... Aliases? Screen names? A non de plume perhaps? Mommy or Rin usually.


L   I LOVE ...You.


M   How do you feel about MEETING people? Do it all the time? Rarely? Parties or 1-on-1? I'm a bit reserved at first when meeting new people. I hate first impressions. I can never tell if I'm being an idiot or not.


N   What's the story of your NAME? were you named after anyone? Apparently, my dad was reading T.V. Guide and read Erin Moran's name (Joanie from Happy Days) and liked it. My middle name is an homage to my late grandfather, Murray.


O   OBSERVANT - What's around you right now? What do you see? Guitars, books, bowl of cereal-y milk and other such randomness.


P   Who are the special PEOPLE in your life? LOTS. I'd like to think they know who they are.


Q   Any Little QUIRKs About Yourself: I've revealed my weird lock compulsion and quite frankly feel I've already said too much.


R   What do you like to do for RECREATION? Read. Watch T.V. The usual. I'll get more free time eventually.


S   Do You SING in the Shower? In the car? For your friends? In the car. I'm not much into singing for other people. You know, that whole reservation thing.


T   What's at the Top of your TO DO list?: Today or ever? Today's list is pretty minimal but as far as ever the top would be visit Ireland.


U   Any UNUSUAL Experiences: I once lived in a haunted house. Ask me about sometime.


V   VEGAS, Vienna, Venice, Vladivostok... How far have you traveled? What's your favorite City? The farthest I have traveled is California. I love Chicago and am glad it's only a relatively short distance from me. I'll get back to you on my favorite once I've traveled out of the country.


W   WINTER, Spring, Summer, Fall... What's your favorite season? What makes it special? Fall is my favorite. I love the sound of crunching leaves. Plus, I feel best in clothes where I'm a little more covered up. Not a huge fan of showing off my blindingly white legs.


X   EXes - Things You Don't Do Anymore (but did, once (would you, again?)) I don't smoke anymore. I can't say I miss it.


Y   Any secret/deep YEARNINGS? Ha. Like I would tell you.


Z   ZERO to ZENITH - Where are you in your life? Still growing? On an upward (or downward) curve? Just skating along? I am definitely still growing as a person. I don't think we ever really stop. However, I am very happy with where my life is right now and look forward to continuing the challenges of raising children and maintaining a sane, healthy life.

How to Sneak a Simpsons Quote in Casual (and not so casual) Conversation.

I realize that I am a quote junkie. I find most of my humor stems from various quotes. 68% of them are from The Simpsons. ("Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything. 14% of people know that.") See?
 

I will show you how to come back with a line from the show for almost any situation. Sit back, relax and learn the art of alienating your friends and loved ones. 

Scenario #1 - Your friend tells you she just got a promotion at her job and is moving away to Albuquerque. She's very excited yet nervous at the prospect of starting her life over again and meeting new friends. It's been a roller coaster of emotions and with a tear in her eye she hugs you and says she is confident you'll remain friends.

You: Whoa, slow down there, maestro. There’s a *New* Mexico?

Scenario #2 You've been dating your significant other for long enough. It's time to call it quits. You sit down at your computer to carefully write out your thoughts and feelings. The break up letter needs to be sensitive and respectful. After several minutes of staring at the blank screen you grab a post it note and jot down your letter.

You:  Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You.

Scenario #3 - Your child is failing Science class. Normally, he is a very bright student and is beating himself up for not doing well in this subject. He says he is afraid that this will affect his chances of getting into a good school. Your son needs all the help he can get so he turns to you, his supportive parent.

You:  Son, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Come back next time when I tell you the surefire way to never be invited to another wedding. Good night!

Your ultimate relaxation station

Rough day at work? Kids are crying? Honoring someone's death? Sometimes all you need is good old fashioned silence.

Tune in to WZIP for all the quiet you can handle.
No DJs, No Commercials, No Music, No Problem.

WZIP - "When You Deserve Nothing But The Best"

Grammarama

From theproofreaders.com

Commonly Confused Grammar Test: Which is correct?

10 items or less/10 items or fewer

Go lie down/Go lay down

I could care less/I couldn't care less

Between you and me.../Between you and I...

In the 1930s/In the 1930's

It will take its place/It will take it's place

I'm first, am I not?/I'm first, aren't I?

I'm anxious to see you again/I'm eager to see you again

I'm able to ride a bike/I'm capable of riding a bike

ANSWERS

How did you do?

"Check enclosed"

I wish I could get paid for this. Maybe not exactly "this" as in this blog but becoming a paid writer is up on my list of things to do. I have a screenplay written, numerous sketches, a handful of essays, a children's book character without a written home and a personal blog. I don't need to be paid for any of those. I enjoy creative writing as a whole and don't actively look for a paycheck in that arena. I'm afraid if I made it my job it would ruin it somehow for me. I do however look for pay in business writing. Sprucing up resumes, writing grant proposals and creating press releases are some of the ways I am willing to do this. I see it as working my way through college without shedding my clothes at a stripper pole. It's writing that other people don't want to do and are readily willing to pay someone else to take it off of their hands. Any income I get from freelance writing can be put toward my family and I can finally call myself a working writer.

I'm not saying I don't think I'll ever make money writing creatively but it's an outlet for myself that I like to keep. I equate it to the musician who becomes a rock star and ends up hating his band. I also feel that writing helps me hold on to my sanity. I've always wanted to be a professional "something". I never felt like I had choice because of my educational background (or lack thereof).

And there you have it. My thoughts for the day.

Thanksgiving me a rash

I posted "What I am thankful for" in 2008 and most everything on my list still applies. A few additions and subtractions but all in all, not much has changed. I'm not that crazy about Jim and Pam anymore now that they've actually gotten together and the sexual tension has turned to married bickering. The spark is gone for me.

I am thankful for the kid-splosion as of late in our ever expanding family. This year we welcomed my niece and Goddaughter Lily, my daughter Alice, and Jacob; our first cousin once removed. In early January of 2011 we welcome our second niece who is yet to be named. So, I will refer to her as Carmen until she is officially not Carmen.




Other things to be thankful for:

The rise of crazy good television programming

A steady income

Our lovely townhouse

Immediate and Extended family are all healthy and still sane (as far as I can tell)

And of course, the freedom to blog.

They are cute for a reason.

I had a post all ready to go but it looks like it will have to wait a little while. I had five minutes where I didn't need to get anything for anybody and I thought I'd write something. It was going to be good, believe me. As soon as I sit my happy ass down it's as if the 5 year old can sense something is amiss. It doesn't matter that mere seconds ago she was perfectly content playing a video game downstairs by herself. Out of nowhere she decides she is lonely and it's the moment I sit down to relax for five fracking minutes. It's no wonder I have to manually separate my jaw from my top molars. I do it without realizing it and I'm ruining my teeth. I'm not at perma-frown status yet but sometimes I wonder when that is next.

"My parents never smiled... because I had brain damage. My wife and I don't smile because our children are LOADED with it. Oh, my parents smile now, whenever they come over to the house and see how much trouble I'm having. Oh, they have a ball! "Havin' a li'l trouble, huh, son?"- Bill Cosby

War and Peanuts

It's that time again. My turn has come to bring a snack to preschool. Never have I felt more disappointed for my daughter then when I had to choose between Soy Mango Vanilla Ice Cream or Pretzels for her birthday. We choose the soy stuff and she claimed to have liked it. Sure, you can try to jazz it up a little with some sprinkles but it's not the same. The snack list is absurdly limited and selfishly I admit, I have a problem with it. Among the laundry list of allergies there are the usual dairy items but also a few stranger ones like chocolate and cheddar cheese. The best "Ch" foods have been forbidden. Cast out of the classroom like some sort of pox. As I came to realize when I brought in our sorry excuse for birthday treats there is also a mango allergy. Luckily, the child had her own snack for just such occasions. Which brings me to my problem. Why can't these children do this regularly? When I was a kid those that couldn't partake in our class snack had a whole box of their own specially formulated treats that Mom or Dad brought in at the beginning of the year. Of course, these children were typically outcasts anyway but that is just not the point I'm trying to make here. Is it because these allergies are just that severe that if a peanut is even brought into the classroom someone's ribcage will collapse?

I know the real reason is because no one wants to be left out. No little kid wants to have a cupcake set down in front of them only to be taken away when realized they are allergic to the paper that surrounds it. Preschool isn't the appropriate venue for learning about life's disappointments just yet. 1st grade will do a terrific job in due time.

Chunkenstein

Yesterday was Alice's half birthday and also her scheduled well visit and immunizations. I decided that I would get the flu shot that day in order to really feel her pain. I believe I can be a better support system when I am the other crying baby in the room. She was weighed in at a very healthy, very chunky 19 lbs 10 oz. Her thighs are so big that it's getting harder to strap her in to her car seat. I've already threaded the seatbelt into the "Your baby is too fat for this" slot and I'm still having problems. It doesn't help that she is also a cloth diapered child so that certainly adds to the girth. I'm not actually complaining though. She's the cutest little (big?) thing ever.

More?

My breakfast confuses me. The package of cinnamon raisin bread boasted there were 50% more raisins. I'm curious where they came up with that figure. 50% more than what? I can only assume they mean from 'before'. So, does that mean there were only a 50% ratio to begin with and they were short changing me all these years? Denying everyone more raisins and rationing them like squirrels hoarding nuts? But that then begs the question 50% ratio of what? Raisins to bread? Half raisins, half bread? Now that there is 50% more I know I'm not getting 100% of raisins. That would be just a raisin. No bread. Let's say there were 100% of raisins originally and now they have added 50% more. Nobody needs that many damn raisins.

Oh well. Now I have a headache and my toast is getting cold.

Rising up.

I saw a show recently on Discovery about Mental Time Travel or in other words, thinking. There were psychologists and scientists both trying to prove that time travel is possible. They said to think back to your early days and you can discover truths about yourself now that you didn't know were there. I sat down and gave this "thinking" a try and came up with a set of memories from my childhood.

My earliest memory is my father accidentally kicking me in the head as he dismounted the bike we were both riding on. I believe I was three. It's all just downhill from that point. I remember the various spots on the carpet in our apartment in Prospect Heights that were stained with my barf. You're welcome. I also remember the car accident my family was in when I was four that had resulted in me going through Aural Glass Extraction. I made that term up for myself because it just sounds too gory to explain to someone I had glass sucked out of my ear. I came up with the memory of the first time I was called a "bitch". It was on the playground at school by a little turd named, Danny. I laughed at him when he fell on his butt after careening off the slide. I was seven.

As I sat back and mentally time traveled I shuddered at all of the embarrassing and just plain boring memories I came up with. My mind is such an a-hole. So, in order for me to put aside all of the uncomfortable thoughts I was having I decided to put in some home movies. I know for a fact that nothing embarrassing will pop up there and make me hide under a blanket. Those tapes have been burned in a ritualistic manner years ago. I saw my family opening presents on Christmas in our old barf stained apartment. It was 1988 and we were so happy and ridiculously dressed. My parents didn't care about the stains on the carpet. No one called me a name. We were happy. I watched everything on that tape and it felt good. I teared up when I saw my Nana but still poked fun at her choice of eyewear. I realized that my memories were much different than what my childhood was really like. Of course you'll think about all the terrible and awkward moments that seem to define you, but they don't. I know I'm not a bitch, and Danny is probably a drug addict now. Everything evens out in the end.

Eats, Shoots and Leaves.

Skimming at a fifth grade level.

Everyone loves lists. It's a fact. There are lists for everything from top ten places to see before you die to the top ten places to see after you die. I can't say for sure what the appeal is with reading lists but I can guess it's popular with busy types or anyone with ADD. When you want your daily blog fix but you neither have the time nor the sustainable interest, a list with bold titles is the way to go. Pictures are a plus as well. Lists are a skimmer's dream and a satisfying way to squeeze in that extra bit of criticism to get you through the day.

I present to you now, "How Erin reads a top ten list".

10. Yes, I like this choice for the number ten spot. I will read on.

Oooh, look at the wittle kitteh kat. This is going to be a fun paragraph to read. Eh, too long. And, I'm done.

I don't want to read about you anymore.

9. A not so interesting choice for this spot. I'll skip this one.

8. Meh. I'll give this a few sentences to redeem itself.

The Large Hadron Collider (LHC).... I'm already yawning.

7. Are they kidding? They picked this?

_________________________________________________

And so on and so forth. To be honest I'm getting bored of this post about lists. Although maybe if I were to encounter one somewhere on the internet that had both kittens and The Large Hadron Collider listed I'd give it the old college try.

I've been very good this year.

I could literally spend hours on Etsy.com. I had planned to put up some crafty items that I had made for sale but can't seem to stop looking at what I want long enough to do so. I don't need any of it, but it is a strong and powerful want. *Polymer clay earrings that resemble rainbow sprinkle donuts? Yes, please. Purple vampire monkey plushie? I'll take it! There is not only a huge selection of clothes and jewelry that I don't need but there is an entire section of crafts under "Geekery". Squeal!

I feel I am a responsible adult and a functioning member of society all year long so that is why I am thrilled Christmas is coming. I know now that I am an adult I'm supposed to say things like, "Oh, don't make a fuss over me." and "I could really use some new dish gloves." I think I've paid my dues and done more than my fair share of scraping crap off the floor for the year. I also think I have done a splendid job of leading other members of the PTL to believe I am a normal person. Maybe I should just ask for some sort of new vacuum or something grown up like lottery tickets and pantyhose (Not sure who I'm thinking of here). Or I could have fun with my life. Merry Christmas, now can I have this Goomba necklace?

*By the way, Donut earrings can be found on my Amazon wish list. Winkety Wink Wink.

The bane of my existence

I believe that if I managed to wash and put away every item of clothing in the house it would mark the end of my life. After the last pair of mismatched socks was shoved in a drawer I would start off with a small giggle which would lead into a hearty chuckle which would then turn into full blown maniacal laughter. Laughter so insane that it could only be done while violently throwing my head back. I'd then smack it on something hard and die.

Don't worry. This will never happen. I will never die. I have way too much $#%@ laundry to do.