Women aren't funny.

O.K. I'm sorry, that title is misleading. I should have said women from ages 16-22 aren't funny. Now before any young ladies who may be reading this throws a high heeled stilletto at me shouting "I am hilarious!", allow me to explain.

When you are a child, everything is funny. I mean, everything. Do you remember when the teacher called on Steven and accidentally called him Ryan? Yeah. Comedy gold. Then when you reach about 13 your humor slides a bit down the drain. Mom is embarrassing, your friends think your wardrobe is stupid, boys are capturing your attention. That kind of stuff. Now all of sudden everything is a tragedy. Life is serious, you guys. It's time to grow up and stop finding farts hysterical. You may still laugh at things with your friends, of course. Who wouldn't? You're allowed to, but only in the privacy of one's bedroom and ONLY to make fun of another girl.

Skip to 16 years old and now things are really getting serious. You're learning to drive. You're kissing boys (hopefully that is all you're doing, I am a mother now dammit.) Life is interesting but yet still very serious. You're only allowed to watch Monty Python at home, without ANY one else finding out. Lest you be called a nerd.

18-22 you are still gaining those much needed brain wrinkles. Oh, you may think you know everything but you are sorely mistaken. Boys are slowly (very slowly) becoming men and girlfriends are getting bitchier. What you thought you had figured out at 16 is now a far cry from you most certainly know about life at 19. You're allowed to regain some of that childlike humor but only on account that it doesn't offend or detract from your likeabilty to the opposite sex. A good sense of humor is like a bottle of red wine. Not legally yours yet.

I firmly believe that my full personality didn't actually surface until I was about 25. It's a shame that women are meant to feel like they need to hide who they really are in order to be viewed as attractive or worthy. If I can pass anything down to my daughters it's this: "Dare to not give a shit."

So, if any of that made any ounce of sense...then quite frankly I'm amazed.

Hello, My name is Erin. I'm 32 years old, married mother of two girls and we all think farts are just the tops.

Attention ladies: The skin of your dreams

Are you tired of your skin color? 

Have you grown weary of having to face yet another day as a young, rich, white woman?

Then it's time to discover the latest horrible idea to sweep the nation!
 Chameleonization

Europeans have known this fashion secret for years and have never once tried it. "Scientists" believe it is an "irreversible" and "extraordinarily harmful" procedure and "should never be attempted, ever."

Well, sounds to us like these bozos have never heard of Hollywood! 

As far back as the late 1990's, women have been trying to find the best way to alienate themselves from so -called "normal people". Who needs those old cheekbones anyway when you can get them replaced over and over again. Chameleonization allows you to change your skin color to suit your mood*. It's like living inside a rainbow!

*Please only anticipate one mood as only one color will be used. 

Chameleonization is an often painless procedure that can be done by any trusted physician with all of your credit card information on file. The physician (or whoever) starts by giving you a mild sedative while stroking your hair gently and softly singing 80's pop hits. From there, just sit back, relax, and don't worry about the rest!

Read what these young, hip starlets had to say about the remarkable new fad that is sure to turn heads.

"This is certainly something I have done in my life.." says the girl from that one party scene in Gossip Girl. 

"I've never felt so many emotions after undergoing Chameleonization...Happiness isn't the word I'm looking for.." - Angelina Jolie (lookalike)

"What is this? Get the hell out of my house!" - Lady Gaga

Side effects may include:

Smugness

Spontaneous Jazz Hands

Excessive Swearing

Marxism

Extreme weight loss and gain (often within the same 24 hour period)

Inability to remain seated

and

Bear attacks

So, come on! What are you waiting for? Call now! Doooooo it.

Chameleonization - Because Why the Shit Not?

Merry Christmas!

Snowman Greetings Christmas

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Lack of true inspiration results in surveys.

This little time waster was pretty fun to do. I laughed out loud at a few of the selections. I'm sure you will know what I'm referring to in a moment. I swear on a stack of T.V. Guides that I did nothing to help these answers along. Not only were some of the songs dead-on but now you will truly realize the eclectic nature of our music collection. I couldn't really tell you why Sly & The Family Stone appears twice. I wasn't even aware of it's existence until now.

So, here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc.).
2. Put it on shuffle.
3. Press play.
4. For every question, type the song that's playing.
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button.
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool...because none of us are

Waking Up: Kryptonite- 3 Doors Down
   
First Day At School: Futuresex/Lovesound - Justin Timberlake
   
Falling In Love: I Hate to Love Her - Sly & the Family Stone
   
Fight Song: Zeroes and Ones - Aphex Twin Reconstruction #2
   
Breaking Up: Bikini Break - The Polish Ambassador
   
Prom: Blow Wind Blow - Eric Clapton
   
Life: Wide Awake On The Voyage Home - Liam Finn
   
Mental Breakdown: Let Me Have It All - Sly & The Family Stone
   
Driving: This Is the End - Buddy Guy

Flashback: Panama - Van Halen
   
Wedding: Incident At Gate 7 - Thievery Corporation

Losing your virginity: Cannibal - VAST

Birth Of Child: Dirty Hole - VAST

Final Battle: All The Little Ladies - Strawbs

Death Scene: Karate - Tenacious D

Funeral Song: Death Certificate - Carcass

End Credits: Hot Damn - The Neptunes

Lunch for lazy people.

I had made a promise to myself when I signed up for facebook/twitter/blogger..etc that I would NOT be one of those people who blogged about what they ate for lunch. I'm about to break that promise. Seriously, what I ate was just that good.

In my hands were an avocado and a handful of Wheat Thins when I thought, "Could this be lunch?".

The answer to myself was "Yes. Yes it could."

Quick Guacamole and Sun Dried Tomato and Basil Wheat Thins

Scoop out an avocado and mash it with a fork. If you're a spoon person then go for that. I'm not here to judge. Then squirt a little lemon juice and add a dash of garlic powder. Stir deliciously.

I found that the seasoned crackers worked well with a lighter flavored guacamole. Although I do have to say that I'm pretty sure a chimpanzee snuck into the Nabisco factory and seasoned this batch. Or maybe they hired a monkey for a more diverse environment. Again, I'm not here to judge. Regardless of assumed ape-ery, this was a yummy and easy snack that I felt the need to share.

shown here with Pepsi and straw for extra fanciness.

ME

A   If you were an ANIMAL, what would you be? Aren't we all animals? I suppose if I had to choose I would be a giraffe. No reason.


B   BOOKS: What's on your reading list? I am currently re-reading Breakfast of Champions by Kurt Vonnegut and plan to tackle Jane Eyre at some point. David Sedaris is always on the list and I have a book of his in my purse at all times. Just in case.


C   COMPULSIVE about anything? Checking the doors at night to make sure they are locked. Sometimes I will have to actually touch the lock to convince myself. On particularly bad nights I will get up out of bed after having the lights already turned off to check again. I wish I could tell you where in the world this compulsion came from.


D   DREAMS - Do you ... dream in color? remember your dreams? keep a dream journal? I do dream in color and tend to have elaborate stories go through my head. I don't keep a journal because if I did they would all just read like this: 
Dreamt I was in high school again. I think. Maybe not. I can't remember.


E   EATING - what's your usual snack? Is coffee a snack?


F   A Few of your FAVORITE Things. Being on a boat, Wine, My car, Making my husband crack up. 


G   GIGGLES! What (or who) makes you laugh? Do you have a good sense of humor?  Lots of things make me laugh. In fact, I am afraid I annoy people with how much I laugh. Tim and the kids make me laugh the most as does Louis C.K. Just, in a different way.


H   major HOT Button: Abortion. I have many thoughts on that issue and if you still want to remain my friend, don't talk to me about it weeks after I gave birth to my first child. Yes, that did happen. I can speak rationally about it now that I am not clouded with postpartum hormones.


I   I am ______________still hungry.


K   Also KNOWN As... Aliases? Screen names? A non de plume perhaps? Mommy or Rin usually.


L   I LOVE ...You.


M   How do you feel about MEETING people? Do it all the time? Rarely? Parties or 1-on-1? I'm a bit reserved at first when meeting new people. I hate first impressions. I can never tell if I'm being an idiot or not.


N   What's the story of your NAME? were you named after anyone? Apparently, my dad was reading T.V. Guide and read Erin Moran's name (Joanie from Happy Days) and liked it. My middle name is an homage to my late grandfather, Murray.


O   OBSERVANT - What's around you right now? What do you see? Guitars, books, bowl of cereal-y milk and other such randomness.


P   Who are the special PEOPLE in your life? LOTS. I'd like to think they know who they are.


Q   Any Little QUIRKs About Yourself: I've revealed my weird lock compulsion and quite frankly feel I've already said too much.


R   What do you like to do for RECREATION? Read. Watch T.V. The usual. I'll get more free time eventually.


S   Do You SING in the Shower? In the car? For your friends? In the car. I'm not much into singing for other people. You know, that whole reservation thing.


T   What's at the Top of your TO DO list?: Today or ever? Today's list is pretty minimal but as far as ever the top would be visit Ireland.


U   Any UNUSUAL Experiences: I once lived in a haunted house. Ask me about sometime.


V   VEGAS, Vienna, Venice, Vladivostok... How far have you traveled? What's your favorite City? The farthest I have traveled is California. I love Chicago and am glad it's only a relatively short distance from me. I'll get back to you on my favorite once I've traveled out of the country.


W   WINTER, Spring, Summer, Fall... What's your favorite season? What makes it special? Fall is my favorite. I love the sound of crunching leaves. Plus, I feel best in clothes where I'm a little more covered up. Not a huge fan of showing off my blindingly white legs.


X   EXes - Things You Don't Do Anymore (but did, once (would you, again?)) I don't smoke anymore. I can't say I miss it.


Y   Any secret/deep YEARNINGS? Ha. Like I would tell you.


Z   ZERO to ZENITH - Where are you in your life? Still growing? On an upward (or downward) curve? Just skating along? I am definitely still growing as a person. I don't think we ever really stop. However, I am very happy with where my life is right now and look forward to continuing the challenges of raising children and maintaining a sane, healthy life.

How to Sneak a Simpsons Quote in Casual (and not so casual) Conversation.

I realize that I am a quote junkie. I find most of my humor stems from various quotes. 68% of them are from The Simpsons. ("Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything. 14% of people know that.") See?
 

I will show you how to come back with a line from the show for almost any situation. Sit back, relax and learn the art of alienating your friends and loved ones. 

Scenario #1 - Your friend tells you she just got a promotion at her job and is moving away to Albuquerque. She's very excited yet nervous at the prospect of starting her life over again and meeting new friends. It's been a roller coaster of emotions and with a tear in her eye she hugs you and says she is confident you'll remain friends.

You: Whoa, slow down there, maestro. There’s a *New* Mexico?

Scenario #2 You've been dating your significant other for long enough. It's time to call it quits. You sit down at your computer to carefully write out your thoughts and feelings. The break up letter needs to be sensitive and respectful. After several minutes of staring at the blank screen you grab a post it note and jot down your letter.

You:  Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You.

Scenario #3 - Your child is failing Science class. Normally, he is a very bright student and is beating himself up for not doing well in this subject. He says he is afraid that this will affect his chances of getting into a good school. Your son needs all the help he can get so he turns to you, his supportive parent.

You:  Son, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Come back next time when I tell you the surefire way to never be invited to another wedding. Good night!