How to Sneak a Simpsons Quote in Casual (and not so casual) Conversation.

I realize that I am a quote junkie. I find most of my humor stems from various quotes. 68% of them are from The Simpsons. ("Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything. 14% of people know that.") See?
 

I will show you how to come back with a line from the show for almost any situation. Sit back, relax and learn the art of alienating your friends and loved ones. 

Scenario #1 - Your friend tells you she just got a promotion at her job and is moving away to Albuquerque. She's very excited yet nervous at the prospect of starting her life over again and meeting new friends. It's been a roller coaster of emotions and with a tear in her eye she hugs you and says she is confident you'll remain friends.

You: Whoa, slow down there, maestro. There’s a *New* Mexico?

Scenario #2 You've been dating your significant other for long enough. It's time to call it quits. You sit down at your computer to carefully write out your thoughts and feelings. The break up letter needs to be sensitive and respectful. After several minutes of staring at the blank screen you grab a post it note and jot down your letter.

You:  Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You.

Scenario #3 - Your child is failing Science class. Normally, he is a very bright student and is beating himself up for not doing well in this subject. He says he is afraid that this will affect his chances of getting into a good school. Your son needs all the help he can get so he turns to you, his supportive parent.

You:  Son, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Come back next time when I tell you the surefire way to never be invited to another wedding. Good night!

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Grammarama

From theproofreaders.com

Commonly Confused Grammar Test: Which is correct?

10 items or less/10 items or fewer

Go lie down/Go lay down

I could care less/I couldn't care less

Between you and me.../Between you and I...

In the 1930s/In the 1930's

It will take its place/It will take it's place

I'm first, am I not?/I'm first, aren't I?

I'm anxious to see you again/I'm eager to see you again

I'm able to ride a bike/I'm capable of riding a bike

ANSWERS

How did you do?

"Check enclosed"

I wish I could get paid for this. Maybe not exactly "this" as in this blog but becoming a paid writer is up on my list of things to do. I have a screenplay written, numerous sketches, a handful of essays, a children's book character without a written home and a personal blog. I don't need to be paid for any of those. I enjoy creative writing as a whole and don't actively look for a paycheck in that arena. I'm afraid if I made it my job it would ruin it somehow for me. I do however look for pay in business writing. Sprucing up resumes, writing grant proposals and creating press releases are some of the ways I am willing to do this. I see it as working my way through college without shedding my clothes at a stripper pole. It's writing that other people don't want to do and are readily willing to pay someone else to take it off of their hands. Any income I get from freelance writing can be put toward my family and I can finally call myself a working writer.

I'm not saying I don't think I'll ever make money writing creatively but it's an outlet for myself that I like to keep. I equate it to the musician who becomes a rock star and ends up hating his band. I also feel that writing helps me hold on to my sanity. I've always wanted to be a professional "something". I never felt like I had choice because of my educational background (or lack thereof).

And there you have it. My thoughts for the day.

Thanksgiving me a rash

I posted "What I am thankful for" in 2008 and most everything on my list still applies. A few additions and subtractions but all in all, not much has changed. I'm not that crazy about Jim and Pam anymore now that they've actually gotten together and the sexual tension has turned to married bickering. The spark is gone for me.

I am thankful for the kid-splosion as of late in our ever expanding family. This year we welcomed my niece and Goddaughter Lily, my daughter Alice, and Jacob; our first cousin once removed. In early January of 2011 we welcome our second niece who is yet to be named. So, I will refer to her as Carmen until she is officially not Carmen.




Other things to be thankful for:

The rise of crazy good television programming

A steady income

Our lovely townhouse

Immediate and Extended family are all healthy and still sane (as far as I can tell)

And of course, the freedom to blog.

They are cute for a reason.

I had a post all ready to go but it looks like it will have to wait a little while. I had five minutes where I didn't need to get anything for anybody and I thought I'd write something. It was going to be good, believe me. As soon as I sit my happy ass down it's as if the 5 year old can sense something is amiss. It doesn't matter that mere seconds ago she was perfectly content playing a video game downstairs by herself. Out of nowhere she decides she is lonely and it's the moment I sit down to relax for five fracking minutes. It's no wonder I have to manually separate my jaw from my top molars. I do it without realizing it and I'm ruining my teeth. I'm not at perma-frown status yet but sometimes I wonder when that is next.

"My parents never smiled... because I had brain damage. My wife and I don't smile because our children are LOADED with it. Oh, my parents smile now, whenever they come over to the house and see how much trouble I'm having. Oh, they have a ball! "Havin' a li'l trouble, huh, son?"- Bill Cosby

War and Peanuts

It's that time again. My turn has come to bring a snack to preschool. Never have I felt more disappointed for my daughter then when I had to choose between Soy Mango Vanilla Ice Cream or Pretzels for her birthday. We choose the soy stuff and she claimed to have liked it. Sure, you can try to jazz it up a little with some sprinkles but it's not the same. The snack list is absurdly limited and selfishly I admit, I have a problem with it. Among the laundry list of allergies there are the usual dairy items but also a few stranger ones like chocolate and cheddar cheese. The best "Ch" foods have been forbidden. Cast out of the classroom like some sort of pox. As I came to realize when I brought in our sorry excuse for birthday treats there is also a mango allergy. Luckily, the child had her own snack for just such occasions. Which brings me to my problem. Why can't these children do this regularly? When I was a kid those that couldn't partake in our class snack had a whole box of their own specially formulated treats that Mom or Dad brought in at the beginning of the year. Of course, these children were typically outcasts anyway but that is just not the point I'm trying to make here. Is it because these allergies are just that severe that if a peanut is even brought into the classroom someone's ribcage will collapse?

I know the real reason is because no one wants to be left out. No little kid wants to have a cupcake set down in front of them only to be taken away when realized they are allergic to the paper that surrounds it. Preschool isn't the appropriate venue for learning about life's disappointments just yet. 1st grade will do a terrific job in due time.